Every year I marvel at how we can possibly be here…again. This year is no exception. Tomorrow my sweetest boy turns nine. I’m in awe of this fact. I’m sure it was only yesterday that I spent all of today at the hospital (not a place I wanted to be, by the way) labouring and bringing my sweet boy into this world. Giving birth is a right of passage, no doubt about it. It changed me in ways I’m sure I haven’t even discovered yet. I know one thing though, my heart grew a trillion times that day. And truthfully, I didn’t know that was possible. I know it ‘s the same old story, but it really is so miraculous to me, that a little person can change your life so profoundly. I simply adore him.
And yet, I am struggling.
Change and letting go are not things I’m good at. No! I like my routine, my same rhythm, my same rhyme. When something throws that off, I somewhat go to pieces. Raising a child is ALL about letting go. It is forever about change. It’s beautiful AND heartbreaking. Whilst I’ve dealt with it okay up until now, now, at nine, I’m really noticing the changes of him shifting into a more grown up boy. He is insisting on closing the bathroom door now for privacy (WHAT?), and he doesn’t run around naked quite as much as he did only a few months ago. He mentioned the other day, “Mummy, I think I’m getting to old for that” when I suggested something to him. Sigh. My heart is slowly breaking and I know I cannot stop it. So, instead, I must find ways to accept what is inevitable, to embrace the change as it comes, and to support him (and myself) in all that lie ahead.
And while change is hard, I also know the beauty it holds. Watching Isaac grow and change and discover who he is and experience new things, fail and then soar, it’s all breathtakingly beautiful. I am so humbled by his presence in my life, he truly has no idea. Not only is he growing and changing, but I am too. He pushes me to stretch and morph and grow into the person he needs me to be. I humbly accept the challenge, most days not at all feeling qualified, but showing up anyway because it’s what we mamas do. We give all that we have, doing the best that we can in any given moment, and just hoping it’s enough. It is. I know that.
And so, with nine comes a million thoughts swirling around my head. But only one thought really matters. And it’s not so much a thought, really, as a belief. A conviction. And that is, that he is my soulmate. He is my one true love. I would walk to the end of the earth for him, and back again. He is my teacher, my mentor, my greatest gift. In spite of all the hardness that we have encountered (raising him has NOT been easy), he is my breath of fresh air in a world stifled with old beliefs, toxic hangups, and unfamiliar faces. He, is my heart. My centre. My home. He makes my life better, in every single way. I love him.